yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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