i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
