Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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