the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
