I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
