what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
