This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
