Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
