I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
