Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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