John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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