Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
