I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
