That's when you crack a 10am beer
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
