I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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