she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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