I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
