it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
