My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
