but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
