what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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