i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
