fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
