They should really pass out barf bags in church
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
