p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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