I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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