why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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