My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
