I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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