She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Barsexuality is the new black.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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