we're chasing vodka with high fives
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
