Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
