im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
