WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
