Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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