I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
