Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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