Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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