ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
