so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
