I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
