my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
