went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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