Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
