The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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