I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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