shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
