I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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