Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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