It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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