Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
