were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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