1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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